Log in

No account? Create an account
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Notrealnews' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
1:03 pm
Retraction- There Was No Pregnancy Pact
Gloucester, MA.
Notrealnews would like to retract our previous story regarding 17 High School age girls making a pact to get pregnant together and that one of the girls had sex with a homeless guy to fulfill the pact. It turns out that the truth is that there was no such pact, and the other girl just likes sleeping with homeless guys for no reason.

It was a mistake on our part to take the word of the Gloucester High School principal regarding the pregnancy pact. However, we have it on good authority that the girl who slept with a homeless guy is indeed a complete hobo humping slut. We spoke to Tiffany on the phone, and Brandi text messaged us regarding it. We did not want to wait for DNA tests or any further confirmation before reporting it because these methods are less reliable than the word of a teen-aged girl.

While the initial claims regarding the pact that were made by us and every news organization included the part about the homeless person, we will now cease to mention it in further retractions because it is clearly a claim whose veracity is without doubt. We are also not going to bother to make any attempts to explain any unusual circumstances of the homeless man preganancy, becuase she's just going to have to live with this stigma for the rest of her life. The important thing is that there was no pact. We apologize and refute this claim in an effort to make amends to 16 of the 17 girls who have been affected this story.
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
10:55 am
Quote of the week
"there's a difference between being detained involuntarily for psychological treatment and being forced to endure Dr. Phil involuntarily."

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/01/08/britney.drphil.ap/index.html
Friday, December 14th, 2007
1:27 pm
Michael Vick to judge: 'I am not the beast. I killed the beast.'
In a letter to his sentencing judge, Convicted dog-fighting NFL player Michael Vick declared "I am not the Beast" in order to get leniency by impressing upon the court that he is not the Monster he has been made out to be. Vick further elaborated, " I know I'm not the beast because the Beast was one of my dogs. I held his head underwater and simultaneously choked the life out of him for ten minutes because he was not a good enough fighter. I cannot be the Beast. The Beast is dead."

Real News:
Monday, November 26th, 2007
4:05 pm
Amy Winehouse Stopped at Baghdad Checkpoint
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Baghdad - One of several checkpoints outside Baghdad stopped a supposed wedding party only to find that the Bride was singer Amy Winehouse in disguise. It is unclear whether Winehouse was engaged in any terrorist activities but the patrol's detained her none the less for being 'totally groady". Reportedly, the singer will be sent back to rehab although she protested "No. No. No."

Real News (any lack of sembalnce is intentional):
Friday, September 7th, 2007
1:54 pm
Warren Buffet Home Thief Fails: Only Got Away With 10 Million
New York, NY

A thief attempting to rob multi billionaire Warren Buffet’s home escaped in failure, coming away with a mere 10 million dollars in change. Apparently, the bungling thief set off the security system and had to leave in a hurry. Buffet, the third richest man in the world with $52 billion dollars in assets, was mildly annoyed with the loss of the 10 million dollars. “I usually keep 10 million in the kitchen drawer for lunch money. Now I have to go to the ATM and get more money out for the week.” Authorities are still searching for the suspect.

Real News (any lack of sembalnce is intentional):
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
3:02 pm
Worst Thing I ever wrote... but I can't resist

Announcer: It’s time for America’s favorite game show; True or Wrong. Here’s your host; Ricardo Montalban.

Montalban: Welcome to Rue or Rue. The game show where we give you a statement, and you tell us if it’s rue… or rue. Our contestants today are Bob and Cindy. Let’s jump right into it, “The constitution of the United States was written in 1776.”

{Bob buzzes in).

Bob: Wrong

Montalban: I’m sorry… the correct answer was rue. Next statement, “Robin Hood was a real person.”

{Bob buzzes in).

Bob: True

Montalban: Incorrect again Bob. The correct answer was rue. Next question, “An atom of water is made of two parts Hydrogen and 1 part Oxygen.”

{Cindy buzzes in).

Cindy: Rue?

Montalban: That’s correct! You’re on the board Cindy. “Alan Shepard was the first man in Space.”

{Bob buzzes in).

Bob: Rue!

Montalban: Oh, I’m so sorry Bob. The correct answer is rue.

Bob: This is bullshit! I’m walking outta here.

(Bob leaves the set)

Montalban: What’s rue with him?
Friday, December 8th, 2006
3:19 pm
James Kim Still Dead
MERLIN, Oregon
James Kim is still dead. He still froze to death after walking 8 miles in the freezing cold in an attempt to get help for his family who was stranded in their car in a blizzard. We will continue to update you on James Kim regardless of whether he magically comes back to life or not.
Friday, August 18th, 2006
10:52 am
Hospital Director Thinks Man Should Go Ahead and Commit Suicide
Panayotis Spatharakis, director of the Heraklion Hospital in Greece thinks John Hogan, a British citizen who jumped off a balcony with his children in a drunken stupor thus killing one of them, should commit suicide as soon as he realizes what he’s done. When asked if he had ever had any media training or not, Spatharakis replied, “I once frantically waived in the background during a filming of the popular Greek show ‘Two Guys, a Girl, and a Baklava Bakery’.” When asked how Spatharakis got his job he said, “a man came up to me on the street and asked me if I liked hospitals. When I said yes they offered me a job as hospital director”. Spatharakis pointed out that in Greece, when hospital directors are being interviewed by the media, they are encouraged to say whatever comes to the top of their head regardless of whether it’s a prudent statement or not. “What, you got sympathy for this guy. He killed his kid! Do we really need to even burden our court system with trying him.”
Monday, July 24th, 2006
11:46 am
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
9:24 am
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
11:11 am
Dateline NBC Cracks Down on Online D&D Child Predators
Ft. Meyers, FL.

Dateline NBC has gone on the offensive against online Dungeons and Dragon’s Child Predators in it’s new 3 part series “To Catch a Gamer”. In conjunction with police and the watchdog group “Introverted-Justice” (I.J. for short), Dateline has set up a sting operation where I.J. members pose as minors on internet chat rooms. They set up underage profiles and behave normally but it doesn’t take long for predators to start asking the children inappropriate questions.

Invariably, these conversations gravitate toward the setting up of a meeting between Gamer and “minor”. The gamer heads to a house where he thinks the minor is alone for the evening, but it is actually Dateline’s special sting house. Coming inside, an I.J. member speaks to them from another room but when it’s time for the gamer to meet the minor instead they are greeted by Dateline reporter Chris Hanson.

Hanson is stern with the gamer, “why don’t you just have a seat at that gaming table there.” He then starts discussing the gamer’s plans for the evening such as he did with gamer Chris Charlentola.

Hanson: “So, what brings you out here tonight?”
Charlentola: “Oh, I was just coming out to talk to the youngster. Maybe watch a movie with him.”
Hanson: “You had no plans to play Dungeons and Dragons?”
Charlentola: “No. I just wanted to help a lonely kid in need.”
Hanson: “Well we have transcripts from your online discussion. You say you and he could ‘go all night playing’.”
Charlentola: “Um.”
Hanson: “You also ask him. ‘Have you ever been an Elf thief’ and comment ‘I fantasize about playing against Elf thieves all the time’.”
Charlentola: “It’s just a question. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Hanson: “It was clearly identified that you were talking to a minor. Do you think this is appropriate subject matter to discuss with a 13 year old boy.”
Charlentola: “Probably not. But it wasn’t going to lead anywhere.”
Hanson: “Well, I’d be more inclined to believe you if you hadn’t shown up at this house tonight.”

To help prove intent, gamers will often be asked to bring certain items to the house during a D&D charged exchange. Such was the case with Chris Dodds, who was asked to bring gaming paraphernalia. Dodds denied it during his interveiw with Hanson.

Hanson: Did you bring anything with you?
Dodds: No.
Hanson: No players guides?
Dodds: No.

Later, when police searched Dodds car, they found a dungeon master’s guide and 20 sided die. This will help the courts prove that Dodds did indeed have plans to consummate a D&D game with a minor.

Some gamers were so embarrassed by the association with Dungeons and Dragons that they concocted elaborate stories to cover their guilt. The worst of these was Kenneth Brenah of Coral Gables.

Brenah: I swear, I wasn’t here to play D&D. I... I... was trying to have sex with a minor. That's all. Arrest me for that if you like but please don't tell my wife that I like Dungeons and Dragons.

Once the conversation with Hanson ends the gamer is allowed to leave the house where police immediately arrest them for solicitation of a minor with intent to role play. This Dateline series has exposed the seedy underbelly of Dungeons and Dragons. The amazing thing is that gamers keep falling for it despite repeated television airings.
Friday, May 19th, 2006
10:29 am
Christian Groups Launch Massive Spoiler Campaign Against Da Vinci Code
(Editors note: Does it really need to be said that this article contains MAJOR Da Vinci Code spoiler?)
Birmingham, Al. Hollywood, CA.

Today's release of the film adaptation of Dan Brown's controversial novel "The Da Vinci Code" marks a period of great tension between religious groups and Hollywood. Apparently, certain elements of the movie cast doubt on the story of Jesus Christ. Anyone who wishes to know precisely which plot elements are in contention can simply to talk to the religious groups protesting the film to find out more.

The protest strategy is this: Christian groups have launched a campaign to spoil the plot for everybody so that nobody will want to see the movie.

One such representative is Tyler Redkin, an Alabama Baptist Preacher. "The secret of the movie is that Jesus married and had children with Mary Magdalene. Such stories have no basis in fact, and in the 5th scene of act 4 when Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) reveals to Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou) that she is the blood descendant of Jesus Christ, it is sheer blasphemy, and when Ian Mckellan's character suddenly and unexpectedly betrays all of them, it is just pouring salt on the wound." Redkin went on to further spoil the movie by pointing out silly plot devices, "at the end when they reveal that Sophie Neveu's mom is alive and well and has been raising her long lost brother, it is so fanciful and ridiculous that one can’t even watch. People interested in mature, logical writing should stick to the stories in the Bible. Like the story of Jonah, who camped out inside the belly of a whale for several days."

Moviegoer’s waiting in line for tickets to the film seem to have been particularly adversely affected by the Christian group’s protest activities. One moviegoer we found in line commented, "Thanks a lot Christian groups, now I my as well not even go see the movie. You guys suck!"

Movie executives, on the other hand, seem unaffected by the Christian plot spoiling. Director Ron Howard pointed out how futile this gesture is, "These religious types have no idea how the film industry works these days. Most of the plot of this movie was spoiled by the previews months ago. People don't go to the movies to actually be surprised by anything anymore. Besides, the film is so dull and boring that moviegoers won't even notice there was plot to spoil."
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
10:01 am
Poll: 70% of American Idol Voters Think Hicks Mentally Challenged

A new poll of American Idol voters shows that 70% of them believe that front runner Taylor Hicks to either be mentally retarded or suffering from some kind of congenital defect such as Downs Syndrome. Apparently, many Idol voters vote for him out of admiration and pity for his condition.

Jenny Simms, a homemaker and avid Hicks supporter echoed the findings of the poll. “To overcome mental retardation the way Taylor has is to be commended. He has inspired America and he’ll always have my vote. I haven’t been this excited since ‘Life Goes On’ was on the air.”

Hicks seems undaunted by the poll. In response he said, “I believe… I say… I say I believe. I can be the next American Idol,” and then puffed on his harmonica.

Hicks (With Vacant Look  
and Drooly Smile)
Thursday, March 30th, 2006
8:54 pm
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
12:11 am
Dick Clark Makes Up for Ageless Years
New York, NY

After decades of looking like he lived in a timeless bubble Dick Clark managesto jump several decades in one year.
Monday, November 21st, 2005
10:31 am
Art Thieves Leave Suspicious Evidence Behind After Pollock Theft
Scranton, Pa

Pennsylvania’s Everhart museum was robbed on Friday morning. Among the paintings stolen was a Jackson Pollock worth approximately 11.3 million dollars. Reportedly, the mess the thieves left behind after the heist looked remarkably similar to the Pollock painting that they stole.

Around 2:30 am, thieves shattered a glass door at the back of the building, the falling glass from the door creating a random, dripping pattern on the white carpeting of the museum floor. Nobody knows whether the thieves were simply careless or trying to pull off some kind of ironic performance art.

Museum official are considering different options for dealing with this theft. Authorities have been contacted but the museum may just replace the Pollock painting with a picture of the mess on the floor.
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
2:49 pm
Abandoned Refrigerator Box Voted Favorite Toy By the Organization “People Who Hate Children”
Abandoned Refrigerator Box Voted Favorite Toy By the Organization “People Who Hate Children”
Monday, September 26th, 2005
3:06 pm
Don Adams Misses 83 By "That Much"
Star of Get Smart and voice of Inspector Gadget dies of lung infection. Unable to say "go go gadget life support machine" in time.
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
9:55 am
Condi Rice Gives President Bush Permission To Go To The Bathroom
New York, NY

In a decision with far reaching consequences. Secretary of State Condoliza Rice gave president bush permission to go to the bathroom during the UN summit yesterday. Bush passed Rice a note asking "I think I may need a bathroom break, is this possible?" To which Rice slipped him a note back saying "you’re the president of the United States. I think you can take one. Just make sure to take the hall pass and don't rough house in the halls when you go."
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
3:55 pm
Lucky the Leprechaun to Cease Marshmallow Hiding Activities
Dublin, Ireland

After years of overt warfare against scores of wanton children, Lucky the leprechaun today announced that he would cease marshmallow hiding activities in favor of a more political approach to the cause of cereal liberation.

World leaders have applauded Lucky’s decision. British Prime minister Tony Blair hailed it as a courageous step toward peace while President Bush said it was “a great opportunity.”

Some of the more extreme elements in cereal terrorism have condemned the move as shameless politicking. A Shin Fein web site called Lucky a “loose necked coward who has forsaken his Irish roots,” and the Trix Rabbit, through a newly released audio tape, promised that he would continue to support “the faithful” by “stealing every bowl of cereal from those cruel, greedy children until my(his) last breath”.

Lucky’s decision is not surprising considering recent changes in government policy toward cereal mascots. Last month, Sonny the Coo Coo bird was gunned down after going Coo Coo for Coca Puffs in the middle of a London rail station.
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com